Metalocalypse: The True Meaning of Christmas

Toki: Merry Christmas Evening everyone!

 

Nathan: Merry Christmas

 

Murderface: It’s Merry Christmas EVE you douchebag

 

Toki: Mistletoenail!

 

Murderface: It’s mistle-Agh! Toki, shtop it! It’s grossh!

 

Toki: Mistletoenail!

 

Pickles: Ick! Toki, how many candy canes have you had?

 

Skwisgaar: I don’t understand the point of Christmas when we all gets each others is booze, like, I’m nots feelings the spirit of it all, you know.

 

Toki: That’s not true, remember when Santa givens me that nice guitar?

 

Skwisgaar: Ugh, you dildoes that was’t me. Don’t you know that Santa Claus is not real?

 

Toki: He is too!

 

Murderface: Ish not you douchebag. There’sh no such thing as Santa–

 

Toki: Mistletoenail!

 

Murderface: Would you shtop it you already kissed me you douchebag! Gah!

 

Toki: I kiss you again in my rage and I’s do it again if you no stops calling me the douchebag. And I has not had very many candies, only a few dozens or more. I is not even full yet.

 

Skwisgaar: Oh great, Toki is all hyped up on the sugar. He is going to get sick and we’s has to hold his hair when he throws it up and–

 

Toki: Mistletoenail!

 

Skwisgaar: Argh! You dildo there is no such thing as mistle-mistle-mistoenail-mistle-mis

 

Nathan: Actually there is such thing as mistleltoe.

 

Skwisgaar: No, it is saying you get when you are idiot and want to kiss your bandmate because somebody is all hyped up on the sugarplum fairy dust. I bet you my left testicle there is no mistletoe.

 

Murderface: Hey siri, what is mistletoe?

 

Siri: a leathery-leaved parasitic plant that grows on apple, oak, and other broadleaf trees and bears white glutinous berries in winter.

 

Murderface: Haaaa shee I told you.

 

Nathan: Your left testicle is mine!

 

Skwisgaar: Fuck me! I blame Toki for his sugarness idiocracy. Mistletoe actually sounds prettty brutal being parasitic and all. Do you die if you eat it?

 

Murderface: Hey Skwisgaar, maybe Nathan can keep your left testicle in a pickle jar with his collection of pickled body parts as some kind of a–OW what the fuck you punched me in the fucking balls you douchebag!

 

Skwisgaar: I keeps my testicle, okay, you sick bastard and all.

 

Murderface: Holy shit I need ice for my fucking balls, you piece of shit!

 

Toki: Misteltoenail!

 

Nathan: Gah! Toki! If you don’t stop eating candy Santa is going to fly past Mordhaus and you won’t get any presents.

 

Toki: You sees now, Nathan believes in Santa Closet.

 

Murderface: Ow my fucking balls!

 

Skwisgaar: He’s only saying it because you are annoying, you fucking dildo.

 

Pickles: What the hell, Nathan, what’s up with him? Maybe we should, you know, kick him out of the band.

 

Nathan: No, Toki has never had an American Christmas before he joined our band and we can’t take Santa Claus away from him. I have an idea. Toki! You don’t want to miss Santa Claus, do you? You better go to bed now or Santa won’t come.

 

Toki: No, Nathan, I has a better idea. Since no one believes me when I says Santa Closet is real, than we stays up and waits for Santa and then he comes and I proves he is real like I has said.

 

Skwisgaar: Oh, but they says you can’t stays up or he not come this year. Has you not had enough candy for now?

 

Toki: But you not believe in me and you not believe in the Santa Closet. You wait. We stays up the whole night and then you will all see that Santa is reals.

 

Nathan: Grr, alright. We will stay up and see if Santa Claus comes to visit. But what will we do to stay up all night?

 

Later

 

Nathan: You got any 3’s?

 

Toki: Go fishing

 

Murderface: I got a five

 

Pickles: You’re not supposed to–You got any fives?

 

Murderface: Ah you suck!

 

Nathan: Can we, uh, play something a little easier?

 

Skwisgaar: Ja, this game sucks major balls.

 

Pickles: Can’t we go to bed, now? It’s 4 in the morning and we’ve played Go Fish, charades, Twister, truth or dare, strip poker, and the most brutal game of Monopoly ever.

 

Murderface: And I could have won but you assholes cheated!

 

Nathan: You tried to take out a loan of twenty-thousand dollars.

 

Murderface: What’s your point?

 

Skwisgaar: There’s no twenty-thousand dollars in monopoly money you dildo.

 

Pickles: Yeah, and the rules said–

 

Murderface: Forget the stupid rules! We’ve been up for hours and SANTA still isn’t here.

 

Skwisgaar: Aren’t you tired Toki? You have baggage behind your eyes.

 

Toki: No, I is not. Tired. I think. Maybe? Santa. Coming soon. But we stays….up….to…then he comes…reindeer. Elves. Tired. More candy. Santa.

 

Nathan: I am, uh, going to the bathroom. I, uh, think I hear Santa’s sleighbells or something…like that. Be right back.

 

Pickles: Gee, I hope Santa doesn’t disappoint. I don’t want to hurt Toki’s feeling when he realizes–

 

Nathan: HO. HO. HO.

 

Murderface: Look it’s SANTA, Toki. Aren’t you going to ask if you’ve been a good boy?

 

Skwisgaar: Ja, ask Santa what he got you.

 

Toki: Actually, you guys’es, I has confessions to make. Nathan?

 

Nathan: Yes, I mean, I’m not Nathan, little boy. I’m Santa!

 

Toki: I knows it’s yous, Nathan. And I knows all along Santa is not real.

 

Pickles: What!?

 

Murderface: Aw, you shuck, Toki! You made us shtay up for nothing!

 

Toki: But I didn’t!

 

Pickles: Yes, you did you ignorant, fuck! I got my tongue stuck to a frozen toilet seat bowl in that stupid game of truth or dare!

 

Skwisgaar: Ja, and I got farts on during naked Twister.

 

Murderface: Only because you lost strip poker and I had to eat a gallon of beans because SOMEBODY couldn’t guess my game of charades so I had to fucking spell it out for you.

 

Nathan: All because we wanted you to believe in Santa. And you ruined that as well! What’s your problem Toki?

 

Toki: You’re all blinded dildoes! Santa is not person but believing in spirits. Each Christmases we open shitty presents of booze, drinking and fighting like all the time spent every day. I hope for difference each year like in TV show where family is happy to be family. You are the only family to me and that is the best and the only present I could have only asked for, and just once I want to spend the Christmas spirits happy with the family I have ever asked for. I hope you care for me like I have cared for all of yous.

 

Charles: He’s absolutely right, you know.

 

Nathan: What are you doing up at this hour?

 

Charles: I’m always up this time of year, consoling Toki who stays up all night crying each Christmas because none of you understand the true meaning of Christmas. You did a good thing, Nathan, by keeping him company instead of leaving him alone on this special holiday.

 

Nathan: Wow, I never knew this holiday meant so much to him. Come to think of it, we had a lot of fun, didn’t we?

 

Murderface: Yeah, it was pretty funny seeing Pickles’ tongue stuck to the toilet bowl.

 

Skwisgaar: And you know, I had never played the strip poker before. The embarrassment was actually quite, you know, humorous.

 

Pickles: And I can’t believe Murderface ate an entire gallon of beans in five minutes.

 

Nathan: So, I’m, uh, sorry we ruined your Christmas.

 

Toki: Are you the kid in me? This was the bestest Christmas I could only ask for!

 

Dr. Rockso: HO! HO! HO!

 

Toki: Santa?

 

Dr. Rockso: It’s me, Dr. Rockso, Santa’s naughty little rock-and-roll elf! I do cocaine! And I hope you all have a white Christmas, I know mine is! G-G-G-G-YEAH!
Toki: Mistletoenail!

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literarylark

I am bipolar strong. I am a passionate writer of both fanfiction and original pieces, so follow me in my journey of Metalocalypse and more.

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