Metalocalypse: Love is Brutal CHAPTER 2

 

PROLOGUE

CHAPTER 1

“Pickle? You-hoos. Pickly Pickles. You snap-ped out of it okay. Nnnow. Now. Nooow.” Toki shook the drummer who was entranced in his reflection. Toki looked at Nathan with a frown.

 

“Well, gee, Nate, he is out of his head and I don’t know the problem with him or what we do now. You gots any ideals?”

 

“Shyeah, I gotsh an ideash,” said Murderface who approached the mirror and with swift force smashed the mirror to pieces. The Dethklok band members jumped back with their mouths agape as Pickles began to scream. The screams grew louder and louder as the drummer spun in circles with his hands to his face.

 

“Wh-e-o?”

 

“–at?”

 

“I s-WHAT. -E. DO?” Toki screamed to Nathan, their words drowned out by the incessant screaming.

 

“Sh-urr-p!” Murderface screamed to them. Nathan pointed his finger in the air with a certain look and marched out of the room with haste. Skwisgaar looked at the three of them and mumbled something.

 

“WHAT?” Toki and Murderface yelled as Pickles continued his screaming. Skwisgaar mumbled again.

 

“Sh-e -n’t -ere, -ou, dou-ag” Murderface yelled. Nathan returned with a small square cosmetic mirror.

 

“-Gots -is -ou -of -gir-nds -urse.”

 

“WHAT?” Nathan waved the mirror in front of Pickles. The drummer looked upon the mirror and slowly his screams ceased and he was once again enthralled in his reflection, cooing to it softly.

 

“What the fuck wash that?” Murderface exclaimed, his eyes wide.

 

“Skwisgaar, you said something?” Toki asked his bandmate.

 

“Ah, yeah, I was, you know, saying that he was loud and it hurted my ears, you know. But, you couldn’t hear me, you know, and, well, I do not like to shout.”

 

“Thank god he shtopped shcreaming. Quick thinking, Nathan.”

 

“Yeah, well, I remembered my ex-girlfriend had one in her purse.”

 

“You went through her purse?” scoffed Skwisgaar.

 

“Yeah, well, uh, she’s dead, you know. She never came out of the coma.”

 

“Didn’t the doctor says she would have woken up hadn’t you not pulled the plug on her?”

 

“Yeah, well uh, it doesn’t matter now. Someone attacked Pickles and he’s in trouble. We have to help him.”

 

“But we don’ts know what is trouble with him,” said Skwisgaar, “Maybe he becomes narciss-,narciss-sis, narc, narcis-narcississ.”

 

“Narcisisstic.”

 

“Ugh, do you need to be, you know, grammar Nazi all the times, or somethings like that?”

 

“Yeah,” added Toki, “I don’ts need to be reminded of my Norwegian accent every day, you know?”

 

“Ja,” replied Skwisgaar, “It’s not fair to be so foreign and learn new language and expected to be perfect, you know?”

 

“Uh, guys.”

 

“I think maybe if–”

 

“Uh, Toki.”

“But maybes we won’t suck so much at the Englishman if–”

 

“Toki.”

 

“Oh, you just do not knows the struggle of having second language in English.”

 

“YOU GUYS!” The two foreigners hushed and looked to Nathan whose face was grim.

 

“I’ve just been informed by Christopher that there are spies among us.” Toki and Skwisgaar pointed to each other with dirty looks.

 

“No, not you, you douchebags.”

 

“Oh, it is relief!”

 

“Ja, so worried for one moment, you know!”

 

“Christopher has something to say.” Christopher, the multi-talented Dethklok manager, stood beside Nathan and looked to the Dethklok band.

 

“You see, boys, it will take some time to revive Pickles with an antidote. It appears that someone had snuck into the ventilation ducts last night and shot Pickles with a poisonous dart. The poison, however, is new to me and I cannot say what it is composed of. All we know is that whoever is struck with the dart will fall madly in love with the first person they see.”

 

“Oh my!” exclaimed Toki, “So Pickle is in love with himself?”

 

“It appears so,” Christopher replied gravely, “And it will take some time before I can procure the antidote, if at all. It may take some time before Pickles can be cured. But, I cannot stress enough to be all on guard. If you see anything suspicious, let me know.”

 

“You do not know who did the poisonous dart that struck Pickles with the love drug?” Skwisgaar asked.

 

“I do not, unfortunately. With four of you on guard, I am sure we can catch whoever did this to Pickles. Keep your eyes peeled.”

 

“Do you know what I think when I think I hear the thing they say, ‘Keep your eyes peeled?’” Toki asked quietly, adding, “Lemons.”

 

“Toki, why are you so weird all the time? Pickles is brainwashed and you think of lemons.”

 

“Actshually,” commented Murderface, “Lemons sound really good right now.”

 

“Yeah,” replied Nathan, “Any of you want a lemon drop?”

 

Nathan and Murderface sat naked in the hot tub with lemon drops in their hand. Skwisgaar flipped through a magazine on the couch while Toki played a game on the computer. Pickles traced his face in the cosmetic mirror and made kissing faces at his reflection.

 

“Hey Picklesh, go fuck yourshelf!” Murderface yelled with a laugh.

 

“We shouldn’t let our guard down,” Nathan spoke with concern, “But damn, I haven’t had lemon drops in forever.”

 

“Aren’t lemon dropsh gay, like Picklesh ish gay for himshelf? Ha!”

 

“You know, when you fall in love with yourself, Murder, I bets you freak out trying to give yourself the blow job,” laughed Skwisgaar. Toki fixated on his videogame but added,

 

“Yeah, I bet you’re next. Gah! I lost again. Skwisgaar, why ist this game hard for me?”

 

“Not as hard as Pickles for himself, ha ha!” Toki jumped onto the couch beside Skwisgaar and folded his arms.

 

“Stupid computer game. I lose at all the games I have ever played on stupid computer. It’s so stupid.”

 

The dwarf crawled on the carpet floor, past the mess hall where the Dethklok employees munched on snacks, past the kitchen where the sewn-together chef prepared steak, past the band members’ bedrooms, all with nothing to hinder him from his destination. He made it to the living room and hid behind a stuffed grizzly bear. The dwarf had been beaten when Dethklok was not stopped with his first victim, but his master had reassured him that with all the members of Dethklok under the influence of the love drug, he would succeed in his duty. His master was a mysterious one. He knew nothing of him nor his past, only that the dwarf would be rewarded with glory and jewels. The dwarf loathed Dethklok and their schemes of a global takeover. It was his mission to end the band and their devious ways. He pulled out his poisonous dart gun and took aim.

 

“Maybe you is stupid, Toki. I have beaten all games on the computer, and you cannot get past the level of the first? Maybe you just suck.”

 

“Yeah, jusht like Picklesh shucks his own fucking dick.”

 

“Oh, shuts it in upward direction, William.”

 

“I hate being called by my firsht name, Skwishgarrsh. Shtop it.”

 

“I is not stupid, Skwisgaar! Maybe you has too much of the free time.”

 

“Ja, and you are so busy making the model of the airplane that you forget how to–OW!” Skwisgaar clutched his neck.

 

“Toki, I have had the final straw in the hay with–” Toki looked at him with concern.

 

“Skwisgaar? Skwisgaar, you okay? Skwis–” Skwisgaar flung himself at Toki, screaming,

 

“Make me your slave, Toki-san!”

 

“Nathan!” Toki screamed, “He’s been shot! He’s been shot! He’s been shot with the–OW!” Skwisgaar fell on Toki who looked up at the blonde with the utmost shock, his eyes growing as wide as saucers.

 

Toki shivered on the lonely corner, his lips and fingertips blue from standing for hours on end in the frozen bleakness. Not a horse-drawn carriage in sight, the flame-flickering light post drawing to its end, the flame inside flickering out. His parents demanded of him to bring home cabbage. A slap across the face was yesterday’s punishment when no one stopped to tip him change. When the light flickered out his eyes welled with tears, anticipating the bruises for another day without providing a meal of cabbages for his poor family. Surely, he was regarded with more than a glance when the man in the suit passed him or when the bourgeois sisters laughed and sang to one another as they passed him? Could not a poor boy of ten be recognized as one in need? He was hungry, drabbly and disheveled, how could they pass him and not feel the heartache in his chest, the hunger in his belly, the sorrow in his puffy, tear-stricken eyes? He coughed. Will his parents pick him up from the farm or leave him all night in the cold again in their disappointment, distraught from the failure of their good-for-nothing son? Tears streamed down his face, and he kicked the light post in anger and fear. He looked up when he heard a faint cry in the distance and squinted his eyes. It was an old shed. It was likely a cat crying inside, but something inside him told him to investigate. He approached the forsaken shed and recognized that the cries were not of a cat but of a human’s. He approached the door and heard sorrowful sobbing. He paused, suddenly uneasy as not to scare whomever was inside, and felt obliged to knock three times. The cries stopped for a brief moment, but then a wail echoed from the shed. Toki cautiously opened the door. A fair-haired boy of twelve, his blonde locks past his chin, cried alone in the shed. Toki looked around. He saw the red sack, the stick, a dirty pot with a poor amount of change inside, a loaf of bread.

 

“You are a runaway!” the ten-year-old Toki exclaimed. The boy looked up at him, panicked.

 

“I’s, I’s, you know, you know nothing!” retorted the blonde defensively.  Toki looked about the shabby shed, the roof exposed and the cold floor draped with a ratted sheet and a pillowcase stuffed with hay, and then at the boy, who looked at him with fear. The two boys were silent, staring at each other with frightened curiosity, until the features on the blonde boy’s face softened and the boy flung his arms around Toki and sobbed.

 

“Mama, my mama! She does not love me!” the boy wailed, crying into the brown-haired boy’s shoulder. He continued,

 

“I runs away so she cannot find me. If my father, my father, if he finds me, I is as good as is dead!” Toki held onto the distraught boy with a frown.

 

“You are here alone, little blonde boy?” The boy sniffled.

 

“I has no brothers or sisters to look after. My ma, she does not care. My pa, he beats me with belt and sometimes his fists. I has no where to go, but I cannot live with my ma or my pa no mores! I has to runs away, I cannot go back. Last time, police found me, my pa, oh my pa in his rage!” The boy wailed again and hugged the brown-haired boy tighter.

 

“Then I shall run away with you, so you are not so alone on such a cold night as this. My pa and my ma beat me also. If we not make money, our farm will be sold and we will all go hungry. I sit by light post so people tip money for cabbage. I am so hungry. I have been sitting by post for hours and no money for cabbage has come for us.” The blonde boy reached for the loaf and something inside his sack.

 

“I has loaf, and I has apples. If you stay and eat apple with me I will be good friend to you and take good care of you for always.”

 

“What is your name, little blonde boy?”

 

“I am called Skwisgaar. What is the name of you?”

 

“I am Toki from the Wartooth family. It is so nice to meet a boy who is so much like me. I will stay and run away with you, and the two of us, you and me, will be friends forever, okay, Skwisgaar?”

 

Toki and Skwisgaar locked lips and fell under entrancement, wrapping their arms around one another fighting for dominance they entangled themselves on the couch.

 

“Aw, shit!” Murderface exclaimed.

 

“Right under our fucking noses,” Nathan growled.

 

“Look, a midget! Get him!”

 

“Uh, now, now, Murder, he cannot help being a midget. He is a, uh, miniaturely-challenged adult.”

 

“Fuck political correctness, he’s the one who attacked Pickles! Get him!” The two men charged for the dwarf. Nathan gripped the dwarf by the throat and slammed him against the wall.

 

“Alright, now don’t play games with me. Who are you and what have you done to my friends?” The dwarf smiled, blew a raspberry at them, then pointed a gun at himself and shot himself, his brains spewing over the wall.

 

“Ugh, Toki.”

 

“Oh god, Skwisgaar.”

 

“Christopher!” The multi-talented manager ran into the living room and his jaw dropped at the sight of Pickles kissing his reflection and Toki and Skwisgaar making out on the couch.

 

“They got Toki and Skwisgaar,”  Nathan grumbled, “And we caught the midget, but he killed himself. I swear to god it’s up to you, Christopher, to find that antidote.”

 

“I’ve been working on it,” Christopher said, “But it will take some time. You and Murderface are the only two left, you’re our only hope while I fix up this antidote. Please, please don’t get shot.”

 

“What do we do?” asked Nathan, “I hope there’s still time left before we all fall under this spell.”

Metalocalypse: The True Meaning of Christmas

Toki: Merry Christmas Evening everyone!

 

Nathan: Merry Christmas

 

Murderface: It’s Merry Christmas EVE you douchebag

 

Toki: Mistletoenail!

 

Murderface: It’s mistle-Agh! Toki, shtop it! It’s grossh!

 

Toki: Mistletoenail!

 

Pickles: Ick! Toki, how many candy canes have you had?

 

Skwisgaar: I don’t understand the point of Christmas when we all gets each others is booze, like, I’m nots feelings the spirit of it all, you know.

 

Toki: That’s not true, remember when Santa givens me that nice guitar?

 

Skwisgaar: Ugh, you dildoes that was’t me. Don’t you know that Santa Claus is not real?

 

Toki: He is too!

 

Murderface: Ish not you douchebag. There’sh no such thing as Santa–

 

Toki: Mistletoenail!

 

Murderface: Would you shtop it you already kissed me you douchebag! Gah!

 

Toki: I kiss you again in my rage and I’s do it again if you no stops calling me the douchebag. And I has not had very many candies, only a few dozens or more. I is not even full yet.

 

Skwisgaar: Oh great, Toki is all hyped up on the sugar. He is going to get sick and we’s has to hold his hair when he throws it up and–

 

Toki: Mistletoenail!

 

Skwisgaar: Argh! You dildo there is no such thing as mistle-mistle-mistoenail-mistle-mis

 

Nathan: Actually there is such thing as mistleltoe.

 

Skwisgaar: No, it is saying you get when you are idiot and want to kiss your bandmate because somebody is all hyped up on the sugarplum fairy dust. I bet you my left testicle there is no mistletoe.

 

Murderface: Hey siri, what is mistletoe?

 

Siri: a leathery-leaved parasitic plant that grows on apple, oak, and other broadleaf trees and bears white glutinous berries in winter.

 

Murderface: Haaaa shee I told you.

 

Nathan: Your left testicle is mine!

 

Skwisgaar: Fuck me! I blame Toki for his sugarness idiocracy. Mistletoe actually sounds prettty brutal being parasitic and all. Do you die if you eat it?

 

Murderface: Hey Skwisgaar, maybe Nathan can keep your left testicle in a pickle jar with his collection of pickled body parts as some kind of a–OW what the fuck you punched me in the fucking balls you douchebag!

 

Skwisgaar: I keeps my testicle, okay, you sick bastard and all.

 

Murderface: Holy shit I need ice for my fucking balls, you piece of shit!

 

Toki: Misteltoenail!

 

Nathan: Gah! Toki! If you don’t stop eating candy Santa is going to fly past Mordhaus and you won’t get any presents.

 

Toki: You sees now, Nathan believes in Santa Closet.

 

Murderface: Ow my fucking balls!

 

Skwisgaar: He’s only saying it because you are annoying, you fucking dildo.

 

Pickles: What the hell, Nathan, what’s up with him? Maybe we should, you know, kick him out of the band.

 

Nathan: No, Toki has never had an American Christmas before he joined our band and we can’t take Santa Claus away from him. I have an idea. Toki! You don’t want to miss Santa Claus, do you? You better go to bed now or Santa won’t come.

 

Toki: No, Nathan, I has a better idea. Since no one believes me when I says Santa Closet is real, than we stays up and waits for Santa and then he comes and I proves he is real like I has said.

 

Skwisgaar: Oh, but they says you can’t stays up or he not come this year. Has you not had enough candy for now?

 

Toki: But you not believe in me and you not believe in the Santa Closet. You wait. We stays up the whole night and then you will all see that Santa is reals.

 

Nathan: Grr, alright. We will stay up and see if Santa Claus comes to visit. But what will we do to stay up all night?

 

Later

 

Nathan: You got any 3’s?

 

Toki: Go fishing

 

Murderface: I got a five

 

Pickles: You’re not supposed to–You got any fives?

 

Murderface: Ah you suck!

 

Nathan: Can we, uh, play something a little easier?

 

Skwisgaar: Ja, this game sucks major balls.

 

Pickles: Can’t we go to bed, now? It’s 4 in the morning and we’ve played Go Fish, charades, Twister, truth or dare, strip poker, and the most brutal game of Monopoly ever.

 

Murderface: And I could have won but you assholes cheated!

 

Nathan: You tried to take out a loan of twenty-thousand dollars.

 

Murderface: What’s your point?

 

Skwisgaar: There’s no twenty-thousand dollars in monopoly money you dildo.

 

Pickles: Yeah, and the rules said–

 

Murderface: Forget the stupid rules! We’ve been up for hours and SANTA still isn’t here.

 

Skwisgaar: Aren’t you tired Toki? You have baggage behind your eyes.

 

Toki: No, I is not. Tired. I think. Maybe? Santa. Coming soon. But we stays….up….to…then he comes…reindeer. Elves. Tired. More candy. Santa.

 

Nathan: I am, uh, going to the bathroom. I, uh, think I hear Santa’s sleighbells or something…like that. Be right back.

 

Pickles: Gee, I hope Santa doesn’t disappoint. I don’t want to hurt Toki’s feeling when he realizes–

 

Nathan: HO. HO. HO.

 

Murderface: Look it’s SANTA, Toki. Aren’t you going to ask if you’ve been a good boy?

 

Skwisgaar: Ja, ask Santa what he got you.

 

Toki: Actually, you guys’es, I has confessions to make. Nathan?

 

Nathan: Yes, I mean, I’m not Nathan, little boy. I’m Santa!

 

Toki: I knows it’s yous, Nathan. And I knows all along Santa is not real.

 

Pickles: What!?

 

Murderface: Aw, you shuck, Toki! You made us shtay up for nothing!

 

Toki: But I didn’t!

 

Pickles: Yes, you did you ignorant, fuck! I got my tongue stuck to a frozen toilet seat bowl in that stupid game of truth or dare!

 

Skwisgaar: Ja, and I got farts on during naked Twister.

 

Murderface: Only because you lost strip poker and I had to eat a gallon of beans because SOMEBODY couldn’t guess my game of charades so I had to fucking spell it out for you.

 

Nathan: All because we wanted you to believe in Santa. And you ruined that as well! What’s your problem Toki?

 

Toki: You’re all blinded dildoes! Santa is not person but believing in spirits. Each Christmases we open shitty presents of booze, drinking and fighting like all the time spent every day. I hope for difference each year like in TV show where family is happy to be family. You are the only family to me and that is the best and the only present I could have only asked for, and just once I want to spend the Christmas spirits happy with the family I have ever asked for. I hope you care for me like I have cared for all of yous.

 

Charles: He’s absolutely right, you know.

 

Nathan: What are you doing up at this hour?

 

Charles: I’m always up this time of year, consoling Toki who stays up all night crying each Christmas because none of you understand the true meaning of Christmas. You did a good thing, Nathan, by keeping him company instead of leaving him alone on this special holiday.

 

Nathan: Wow, I never knew this holiday meant so much to him. Come to think of it, we had a lot of fun, didn’t we?

 

Murderface: Yeah, it was pretty funny seeing Pickles’ tongue stuck to the toilet bowl.

 

Skwisgaar: And you know, I had never played the strip poker before. The embarrassment was actually quite, you know, humorous.

 

Pickles: And I can’t believe Murderface ate an entire gallon of beans in five minutes.

 

Nathan: So, I’m, uh, sorry we ruined your Christmas.

 

Toki: Are you the kid in me? This was the bestest Christmas I could only ask for!

 

Dr. Rockso: HO! HO! HO!

 

Toki: Santa?

 

Dr. Rockso: It’s me, Dr. Rockso, Santa’s naughty little rock-and-roll elf! I do cocaine! And I hope you all have a white Christmas, I know mine is! G-G-G-G-YEAH!
Toki: Mistletoenail!

Metalocalypse: Christmas is Brutal PT 1

“Okay guys, listen up,” growled Nathan, “This year we need to make the most brutal Christmas card for our fans, so we’re heading to the downtown plaza to get our pictures taken with Santa–”
“Santa!” screamed Toki with glee. Nathan roared,
“I wasn’t finished, Toki! And we are going to–”
“Santaaa!” squealed Toki. Skwisgaar rolled his eyes.
“Ugh, the shopping mall. You knows, there’s going to be lots of peoples bashing their brains out for dildos, you know. It’s going to be completely–”
“SANTAAAA!!!!!”
“Shut up, Toki!” Pickles screamed.
“SAN-TA! SAN-TA! SANTA!”
“TOKI!” Nathan roared, “And while we are there, we need to buy each other–”
“SAAAAAANTA!”
Toki flung himself over the less-than-jolly mall Santa who grumbled to himself over the man’s over-enthusiasm. Nathan frowned and Skwisgaar rolled his eyes.
“Likes, whats the deal here?” Skwisgaar grumbled, “Don’t you knows thats mall santa here not real?” Toki didn’t seem to hear him as he gushed,
“SANTA!” Toki screamed, “Has I been good boy this year?” The mall santa grumbled,
“Don’t you know there is a line of fifty people you just cut?”
“But–”
“Get back to the end of the line or I’m calling security!”
“But Santas, I’s only wants to–”
“Security!”
“You call for security and we’ll rip your jolly face off!” threatened Nathan, “Let’s get this picture over with.” With Toki joyfully on the mall santa’s lap, Nathan, Pickles, Murderface, and Skwisgaar awkwardly squeezed in.
“Yous smiles now, Nathan,” Toki said with a wide grin for the camera.
“Aw geesh,” Murderface scowled, “I don’t wanna take a shtupid pictshure wish Shanta. Thish ish sho shtupid!”
“Ja, and has you ever seen Nathan smiles, now? He’s no smiles ever.”
“Yous gots to smiles Nathan!” As the Dethklok band argued, the mall santa grumbled and those waiting in line began to complain.
“No!” Nathan growled. The photographer waved at them.
“I never smile, ever, in my life. It’s not brutal.”
“Yous says you no smile? What abouts the time yous gots drunk and pissed on Pickles?” Pickles smacked Toki upside the head.
“You asshole, Toki! Why’d you have to bring that up again?” The photographer waved for their attention.
“Say cheese!”
Toki stomped on the ground as he looked at the developed Christmas photo.
“You assholes! Santa has not even says I was good boy or no! Alls your fault you no not smiles. ****** photo of no smiles and Santa no says I was goodly or badly so I has never known not now ever or will be!” Nathan tapped Toki on the shoulder who looked up with a shriek at a horrendously hideous ear-to-ear toothy grin of black, mossy teeth which frightened Toki to paleness. He then looked to the photo.
“Oh, I sees,” Toki said thoughtfully, “You no like smiles because you’re so ugly and you make photo with Santas worse with such ugly face as yours. I do not know how ugly your face is until now. So it is better in fact you no smiles in Christmas photo for fans to see such ugly face.” Nathan facepalmed while the Dethklok bandmates doubled over with laughter.
“Ha!” howled Murderface, “I don’t mind being sho fat when your face ish sho ugly!”
“Shut it, Murder,” growled Nathan, “I’ve smiled once in my life and it killed someone.”
“Ja, cuz they looked at your ugly face and decided to kill themselves, right?” laughed Skwisgaar and the others roared with laughter. Nathan looked at the floor sheepishly.
“Uh, yeah, something like that.”

Metalocalypse: Love is Brutal CHAPTER 1

PROLOGUE

Rated PG

Pickles is the first victim to succumb to the “love drug”

CHAPTER 1

“Winter. Storm. Wind. Blowing. Lightning. Strikes. Thunder. Storm. Thunder. Storm. Raa!” The venue of the headlining Dethklok band was riveting with drenched moshing fans. Thunder booms and lightning exposed the faces of the members of the heavy metal band who wailed on their guitars and demanded a drum solo. Hair whipping proved less dramatic with the soaking rain dampening their hair to their faces, and the black paint around their eyes oozed down the band members’ cheeks. Heavy blowing winds knocked over the stands of food vendors crushing concert goers in its path. Another strike of lightning caught the stage aflame. Nathan Explosion whipped his soggy hair and roared,

“It’s freezing cold. I’m soaking wet. The skies aflame with lightning bolts. I hear the cries of fallen angels. There is no time for your defeat. There’s demons dancing at my feet. Inside I cry. I want to die. The thunderstorms are roaring yet.”

Lightning strikes a fan dead but the moshers scream and holler demanding more. Skwisgaar falls to his knees lifting his black and white guitar up in the air, sparks flying from his fingertips as he delivers a mind-blowing solo while Nathan roars and growls on stage.

“It’s time to die. You cannot try. The lightning strikes your mother dead. Raa!”

“G-Gee, that was a h-h-hell of a sh-show!” said Toki who shivered in a blanket by the fireplace and coughed, “B-but I wish we didn’t have to play in a f-freaking f-freezing thunderstorm.” Skwisgaar tsked.

“Buts yous were by the flames on the stage,” bickered Skwisgaar, “I hads to dos a solos in de ****ing cold, you asshats.”

“Shut up! I was not!” Toki wailed.

“No, you shuts up! Yous so were!”

“Shut it!” growled Nathan, “We put on a show of a lifetime. It was worth it, wasn’t it?”

“Hellsh yeah!” shouted Murderface, “Sh-eriously, it wash sho ****ing aweshome. I only wish thish shtupid phone washn’t sho shtupid. Why do we have shuch shtupid ideash when we’re drunk?” Murderface clenched the pointy metal cell phone in his hand and stared at it with disgust. Charles, the multi-talented Dethklok manager, entered the living room with a tray full of steaming mugs and the members of Dethklok jumped up in excitement.

“This should perk you up on a cold winter day,” said Charles kindly and the members of Dethklok grabbed a mug. Nathan gulped it down and spit it out in a dramatic fashion.

“The **** is this?” growled Nathan angrily.

“It’s tea,” said Charles simply with a frown, “black tea.”

“Black tea? Brutal,” said Nathan with a devious grin, “But if it’s black tea, then why is it yellow? That’s not brutal at all. Brutal tea should be black like my soul.” Pickles scoffed as he walked across the living room,

“Nathan, you have no soul.”

“I do too,” grumbled Nathan, “and it’s as cold and brutal as my black heart.”

The dwarf made his way through the ventilation system. He passed the kitchen where the zombified servants prepared the band’s meal. The warm, inviting smells of roasted pig and caramelized apples wafted into the ventilation ducts, and the dwarf smiled, gun in his hand, with the knowledge that the decadent, satisfying meal may be the band’s last. The dwarf moved forward, his tiny legs thudding against the metal, and he stopped when he heard the zombified servant bellow a cry of confusion. The dwarf waited a long and quiet moment before moving on. He made past the bedroom where clothes laid strewn about and the bed left unkempt, before reaching his destination, the living room. He stopped in deep thought, considering the most discreet way to get onto the floor as he listened to the gentleman below.

“Pickles, alls I’m saying is there’s no needs for it,” Skwisgaar argued angrily. Pickles huffed and stomped towards the other side of the room.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about, Skwisgaar. I’m tired of you telling me what to do all the effing time.” Pickles crossed his arms and stared at Skwisgaar through the reflection in the mirror, grumbling, “Really ****ing tired of–Ow!” Pickles grasped his neck with his hand, feeling a sharp pain with the likes of a large bee sting.

“You asshat, Skwisgaar! What is your prob–?” Pickles fixated on his changing reflection, stars exploding and vivid colors flashing in his widening eyes as he looked at himself with a warm, glowing sensation radiating deep inside his chest. His mouth dropped, admiring the cherry red cornrows he once doubted as frizzy and unkempt. Rows of crimson roses, flowing velvet hair in the wind, cruising down the highway with his highschool sweetheart beside him caressing him ever so softly, the engine revving louder, freedom ringed in his ears. She kissed his chapped lips as they are now in his reflection, tugged the piercings on his eyebrows, whispered softly in his ear, and nuzzled his neck. The drums pounded deep in his chest. Were they drums? He felt the faint wailing of a guitar, the low growling, the song of hatred leave his soul and in place an all-powerful mesmerizing sensation of mystical wonder. He touched the mirror, lost in the image and his chest swelled with a growing pride. Once the center of mockery, the confidence that had been stolen from him years ago had regained itself and demanded him a constant attention of neediness. The disregard from his apathetic mother, the struggle of the hallways in his school days, the loss of his home, the band his only inclusion in his life at the cost of the daily belittlement, even the music, became a forgotten nothingness. The music was a distant memory, drum solos a distorted sound in his head, his bandmates a blur, what were their names again? He couldn’t look away from the image of undeniable beauty. He was in love.

“Yeahs, Pickles, yous keeps your mouth shuts,” grumbled Skwisgaar, “I’s swears, yous so sensitives sometimes. Alls I trying to do is help yous but no, yous rather do its the hardest ways. Pickles? Are yous even listenings to me? Pickles!” The members of Dethklok turned to Pickles who smiled dopily at himself in the mirror, giggling softly to himself.

“Whatsh sho funny Picklesh?” asked Murderface with a scowl, “Whatsh wrong with you?”

Glancing at the others, Skwisgaar approached Pickles who traced himself in the reflection with his finger and started kissing the mirror much to the rest of the band’s dismay. Skwisgaar waved his hand in front of the ginger and whistled twice for his attention. Pickles ignored the blonde, giggling and hugging the mirror. Skwisgaar looked at Nathan and shrugged.

“I has guessed he’s caughts a cold.” Nathan stomped across the room in a fury.

“Pickles, enough!” Nathan roared. With great force, Nathan yanked Pickles by the arm pulling him away, but a high-pitched scream caught Nathan by surprise and he let go. Pickles raced back to the mirror to coo at his reflection. Nathan and the members of Dethklok exchanged nervous glances. Toki pointed at Pickles and asked Nathan,

“Hey, what’s that thing on his neck?” Nathan looked at the ginger and retrieved a tiny dart from his neck. He cringed at Pickles who was kissing his reflection again, and examined the tiny red and black dart closely before turning to Charles.

“Charles,” Nathan growled, “Analyze this. Find out what this is and who did this to Pickles. Whatever it is, it brainwashed Pickles somehow. Go!”

“Yes, sir, I’m on it,” said their manager, “I’ll get to the bottom of this.”

Metalocalypse: Love is Brutal PROLOGUE

Rated: PG
The high-elected men propose a new scheme to take down Dethklok

PROLOGUE

The headlines read, “Dethklok brings more death”. The high-elected men watched videoclips of mass destruction around the world caused by the band of the headlining name. Buildings smoked, men and women lie dead, fires blazed on. Fans of the heavy metal band smashed windows out of shops and looted the goods inside, they flipped police vehicles over in a mob-like fashion, and those in a panic trying to flee were beaten to death. News channels around the world read the number of casualties and the millions of dollars of damage that came between the path of Dethklok. These scenes of anarchy and mayhem were nothing new to the men who grumbled in their seats, pointing at the multitude of individual monitors depicting images of chaos and asking themselves what could be done. How could the rise of Dethklok and the violence surrounding them be stopped?

 

The high-elected men came from various backgrounds. Military generals who represented the Americas and European countries were among those who were called upon to face the Dethklok epidemic along with the Archbishop, the CIA, the FBI, as well as leading doctors and psychologists who studied the band and an array of scientists from all over the world. For years they have kept a close watch on the Dethklok band when they first began touring, but as the fandom grew they soon realized the threat of a global takeover. Many schemes were devised to overthrow the power of Dethklok but to no avail. Their options were limited and hope could soon be lost if Dethklok could not be stopped.

 

“Damn them all to hell!” General Crozier shouted, “This is an outrage! How can one band defeat the likeness of generals like me who have gunned down even the mightiest of terrorists? Something must be done, or we will all be doomed to heavy metal music and anarchy.” The men grumbled again, pointing and arguing with one another.  The Archbishop slammed his fists to the table and rebuked,

 

“We have tried countless times to no avail. Rumors are flying and the fandom is growing ever more powerfully. We must sever the tie between them or we are all doomed!”

 

“Now, now, gentlemen, I believe I have found a solution.” The men silenced. An older gentleman in a ratted brown suit stood and was looked upon with disgust as he twirled a long strand of snow white hair with slender fingers. A scientist growled,

 

“You, Dr. Malice? Surely not! All your schemes are flawed and they have gotten us nowhere! I certainly will not tolerate anything which comes from you.” Dr. Malice chuckled as he gripped his gnarly wooden cane tighter and gently thrusted it in an outward motion as he spoke to the grumbling men.

 

“Ah, tsk, tsk, but neither have yours. I have with me the most prestigious psychologist in the world and he shall explain to you my newest scheme. Dr. Ranfield?” A gentleman wearing an awful mess of a scroungy faded black suit stood up beside Dr. Malice, and the rest of the men began to point and argue louder than before. Dr. Malice tapped his gnarly wooden cane three times on the table and slowly the men silenced so the shaggy man could speak.

 

“Violence only ends in violence,” spoke Dr. Ranfield calmly,  “and studies have shown that the members of Dethklok is in itself violence, which creates a ripple effect of more violence. If Dethklok is to be stopped, it is only logical that we attack them with the antidote of violence…love.”

 

“Love?” scoffed General Crozier, “Are you implying that if we show Dethklok love, the violence could end? Impossible!”

 

“Ah yes,” said Dr. Ranfield, “I believe Dr. Malice can explain his proposal.” With all the men at his attention, Dr. Malice fished for something in his pocket. A dart, black in the body and red at the tip, was a mere inch of length with frills feathering from its body. The men leaned from their seats to inspect what the man was showing them.

 

“This is unlike anything we have ever seen, my friends. This tiny dart contains a concentrated amount of endorphins so powerful it shall make the target fall madly in love with the first person they see. Shoot the members of Dethklok with this dart and they will be so madly in love that they will be consumed by the feeling, consumed enough so they disregard their needs to make music and therefore, stopping Dethklok in its tracks and saving all humanity. It is fool-proof.” The men looked from one another to the wicked man in the highest chair who smiled a devious grin.

 

“I shall allow it and see what unfolds.”

 

“Here, here!” said the men, and Dr. Malice set forth to put his plan into action.

Mania on Vacation

I’m in between jobs at the moment. I quit a job at a fast food restaurant because of the horrible, horrible conditions and the brutal way the staff treated me, and found another job three days later as a housekeeper at a senior living facility…SCORE! The job doesn’t start immediately. I’ve been told that it can take up to three weeks to have my application processed (which took me over an hour to complete because it had to be done very carefully or it would be rejected). Then the next steps would be drug testing, physicals, and TB shots. If I heard correctly, I had to do one round of testings for one company, and then another for the company I’ve been hired on. So yes, it is quite the process but I’ll be working for a respectable company, in a respectable position, where the patients I will be housekeeping for will treat me like family once I’ve earned their respect. Good lordy, imagine going from the retail and fast food industry, where people scream and yell at you for god knows what, two industries where you work minimum wage and people tell you that if you want a raise, find a more respectable job…to a respectable job with nearly full-time hours, a steady, set schedule (4 days on, 2 days off, repeat), and to be working with seniors that I will get to know and love dearly. Yes, it will be dirty, hard work, but it will be so worth it…and, it will look even better on a resume than what minimum wage and retail/fast food can provide.

I have 2-3 weeks of R&R before starting my new job. I set enough money aside to pay for my bills in case it takes more than a month to get my paycheck. I’ll also be getting a paycheck from my last job, unless they screw me over like all the countless times they did. But to be honest, I don’t have much money if I’m not careful. When I’m manic, I like to spend, spend, spend. I can’t do that anymore unless I earn some money around the house or at my grandparents house which is not a lot but will get me buy. What I’ve noticed, however is two things. First, I’ve been taking my meds every single day for two months, and this past month I have altered my eating habits and exercising every singly day. So overall I feel grounded. Second, when I’m working and manic I feel like I need to tackle a big day I have to crank it all out in a single sitting. Now that I know I have the opportunity of free time, I can tell myself, “I can finish it or work on it tomorrow. I can take my time. I don’t have to do it all at once.” I am really grateful for that, even though I don’t have the money to do all the shopping and eating out that I’d like to.

Eyes on the Prize

My 5th weekly check-in was all but disappointing. I gained 1.2 pounds from last week. It’s so aggravating, but my bottle of alcohol and mac n cheese caught up with me. But that’s okay. Yes, I gained weight, but I’m still 14 pounds lighter than I was when I first started. Papa also reminded me that the exercise I do gains muscle and makes me stronger. It’s true.

My time at the gym today was eye-opening. I am not at the point of jogging or running, but I spent ten minutes going at the fastest stride I’ve built up to. Comparing to when I first started, I would go at a slow walk and when I wanted to go faster I’d boost it up a click or two. Confidence built in and I was going up half a point, then boost it up a click or two, and now I’m going at a faster pace for longer periods. My goal is to try jogging, but at this point I’m still not going at a fast stride and I’m not confident enough in the treadmill to jog. It’s difficult when I compare myself to the joggers and the runners and those crazy people who do the highest incline on the machine…but who doesn’t compare themselves to other people? I realize everyone at the gym has their own reasons to go and their own strengths and weaknesses, but the way I see it, it’s motivation to get stronger. Not necessarily so I can “beat” the person on the machine next to me (I know I’d fly off the treadmill if I did), but when I look at the joggers and the runners and the crazy people on the highest incline I see confidence. I’ve only been working at the gym for a month, and though I’ve improved in confidence, I have a long way to go for self-improvement.

What I have improved on in my experience at the gym is that I have gotten stronger. I first mentioned my increased speed, but I have also discovered that doing the ab and hip machines have become easier to do. I ached all over after the first time I did them, but I learned to stretch afterwards. After a month on the machines I have decided to increase the weight, but not the sets. I’m happy with the sets I do; I make sure I do a full rep, and a ten-second pause after each set. I’m very excited to see how it turns out.

Follow the Spiders

“Follow the spiders…why couldn’t it be ‘follow the butterflies’?” –Ron Weasely

My first post should jump right in to where I am now. I am following the spiders. Never blindly, of course, but I am following to an unknown destination. It could be dangerous, treacherous, and oh-so-frightening.

Yes, I am talking about weight loss.

I am not on a diet. I am not on a weight-loss program. I don’t starve or deprive myself or count calories. I am simply making lifestyle choices. There was no defining moment that made me want to lose weight. No neon sign that told me to lose weight. Perhaps I looked in the mirror and thought “hm, I could change this.” Perhaps it was the lack of food I was eating for a period of two weeks that made me think, “well, none of the food I am eating is healthy and it’s not healthy not to eat.”  Perhaps the mania was going strong and I thought “Sure I could lose 96 pounds!” Or perhaps it was a combination of all three. Whatever the reason was, here I am, two weeks into my goals and lifestyle changes, and I am thriving.

This month I have lost 14.6 pounds. But wait, this month? You’ve only been dieting for two weeks! True, but two weeks before I began this journey, my highest recorded weight was 206 pounds. When I began my journey, I was 195 pounds. I’ve included that period of weight loss into my total pounds lost because, well, why not? 11 pounds is 11 pounds!

So how did this journey begin, really, and what does it entail? If my therapist were to ask what really made me want to lose weight, I would tell her that I believe it’s the second part of fighting my illness. Going from 110 pounds to 206 pounds there were many times where I thought, “hm, scales going up. That’s okay, my cutoff point will be at X-amount pounds.” But then I kept repeating myself, extending the cutoff and extending the cutoff. In all honesty, I didn’t have the strength to lose weight at those times. I was severely depressed, and it took years to finally be okay with my body even as it was expanding in the waistline. That was really, really, really hard to do. I had to stop telling myself I was fat and ugly. I had to stop comparing myself to other women, “f***k, she’s skinnier than I am, I’ll never be that skinny again!” or “She’s freaking huge, thank god I’m not as fat as she is!” and trying to find some happy medium where I could settle with being comfortable at the weight I’m at. Once I “settled” with being fat, was I really happy with that? I would spend time looking in the mirror, looking myself over. The bloated belly. The muffin top. The lack of protruding hipbones I once adored. I would be deceiving myself if I could settle with how I looked.

It took me so long to be comfortable with my body, how and why should I risk losing my self-esteem and self-image in some grand attempt to lose almost 100 pounds? Now is the time to act. I mastered the med-taking, the curbing, managing, and monitoring of manic and depressive symptoms. I know my mind and all it can do; I am mentally fit. Five years post-diagnosis and I am bipolar strong. I no longer have an excuse, I cannot use my illness as a crutch any longer. Five years later, it’s damn well time to lose the weight. Here is where we get into the unknown of following the spiders. I have never made any attempts to lose weight. I’ve never set any goals or limits to do so. What plan do I follow, what gimmick do I have to jump hoops through? It’s all new to me.

The answer was extremely simple, I made my own weight-loss profile, recording my current eating habits, targeting foods I need, foods to avoid, and foods to cut out, and exercise habits which were non-existent, brainstormed, and produced three types of goals: water consumption, fitness, and nutrition. My water goals included drinking 8 big cups of water a day, fitness goals were to enroll in a gym membership and get 60 minutes of exercise every day, and nutrition goals were to increase veggies, avoid sweets, alcohol, and carbs, and to cut out pizza, soda, and mac n cheese (all big no-no’s for me). Next, put this plan to work. I made a big poster of my weight-loss profile and post it on my wall in my bedroom, keep a daily food journal, post motivating and inspiring sticky-notes on my mirror, and keep a chart of times I meet my goals of water-consumption and 60 minutes at the gym. I also read 100 Days of Weight-loss by Linda Spangle to stay motivated and find inspiration, and it’s very helpful. I read a brief chapter a day and do the “homework” at the end, and it fits for all diets and weight-loss program and I recommend this book for anyone looking to lose weight. It’s a gentle reminder to push forward and stay dedicated to reach one’s end goal.

I may use “diet” and “weight-loss” program as terms to describe what I am trying to achieve, but keep in mind I use these terms loosely. The ultimate goal is what most people call “lifestyle changes”. That’s all I am doing. I’ve made lifestyle choices. I focus on drinking plenty of water, but if I don’t meet that goal (and I found that this is hard to do with my need for multiple cups of coffee), it’s not the end-of-the-world-stop-my-diet-because-I-failed-so-I-should-just-give-up. It’s only inspiration to move push forward and work towards meeting my goal next time. My goal is to eat two salads a day–a side salad at lunch and a big salad for dinner, but you know what, some days I want to eat breakfast for dinner or some days I just want to eat a helping of veggies or fruit and call it a day. And that’s okay. One of the biggest issues with dieting and weight-loss programs is that some are just gimmicks setting one up to fail. One can NEVER have this, one should LIMIT that, one should AVOID doing this. That’s probably the diet people have when they want to lose weight fast and not learn what it means to truly learn a healthy lifestyle. And sometimes that’s okay. You want to look good when you’re walking down the aisle, you need to lose weight fast for a hip surgery. It’s okay. Every person is different, everyone has special dietary and fitness needs. We are all learning! My weight-loss profile is custom-made by me for me, no gimmicks, no limits, no BS. I’m taking it slow because I’m in it for the long-run.

I just had my first holiday dinner. My Dad BBQ’d his world-famous ribs for Easter. My parents told the story of how they had the butcher cut the ribs especially for them, and I know what a rare treat it is indulge in my Dad’s ribs and how hard he works to make them perfect. It was the first big test in my lifestyle change. An hour before dinner I had a big salad with lots of veggies and toppings, then before I even touched the ribs I had a serving of coleslaw and 1/2 cup of baked beans. I was full enough to eat only a couple half-pieces. I later declined pie, but I allowed myself to indulge in this special occasion. Nothing is off limits, I only make choices.

But wait, don’t you have limits and off-limits? Yes and no. I choose not to eat certain foods, but I do eat foods that are off limits. I choose not to drink soda, I choose not to drink alcohol, I choose not to eat certain foods such as bread as part of my lifestyle change, but that doesn’t mean I absolutely cannot have it. I eat waffles, drink alcohol, and occasionally I’ll have a soda, but when I have a goal in mind, it makes me think twice before I consume these foods and beverages. It allows me the freedom to make a choice. If I told myself, I absolutely cannot have a certain food or alcohol, and then I have it, I sabotaged my diet and all my progress is ruined and I might as well give up. But when I make the choice, and I say, okay, I’ll have my Dad’s BBQ ribs because it means so much to him, or do I really need to drink this wine because it will make me gain weight, then I have the freedom of what I put in my body, then it’s not black-and-white, then it sets me up for success instead of dwelling on my failures.

These past two weeks have been the ultimate test. From going from one meal a day with fast food and junk food as filler to eating more veggies, exercising almost every day at the gym, meeting some goals and need to focus on others, I’m making lifestyle changes by making choices. I have an end goal in mind and a long way to go. Keep following me and showing your support by leaving comments. Right now, I’m following the spiders.